My Experiences and Thoughts on Life's Changes, Love, Parenthood, Education and Friendship
Each time I walk, I have to conciously tell myself to walk straight... Part 1
It all began towards the end of 5th grade. As I played with friends or walked around, my right leg would periodically give out. I told my mother. She immediately assumed I was pretending since I was a very dramatic and creative child. I was also a very persistent child and would not stop until she took me to the doctor.
As the Dr. questioned my mom and I about why I was there, my mom told him about my tendency to be a bit dramatic. The doctor ordered an x-ray and sent us on our way. A day or 2 later we were back in the doctor's office. He looked at me and said, "little girl, you have an old lady's hip bone/joint." He then went on to explain to my mom that I had a form of arthritis very rare to children and it was concentrated in my right hip. He also stated that he wanted to do a biopsy to determine if anythjng else was wrong. They talked and decided the surgery would take place within the next months.
During my sixth grade year, the surgery was scheduled. On the day of, I remember several doctors coming in and out of my room, telling me how brave I was as the main doctor explained my rare condition. I was under a microscope. Shortly after I was counting to 10 and going under. Next thing I remember is waking up in pain.
Recovery was intense and all I wanted to know is when could I go home and back to school. After weeks of physical therapy, sleeping with a special pillow, and learning how to use crutches, I was back in school...with my full leg cast and crutches. After only a few days of being back, I slipped in the girls bathroom and broke my arm. Wow..now that I look back..that was a lot for an 11 y.o.
When I returned to school the second time, I walked in the classroom with cruthches, casts on my right leg and right arm. My classmate yelled out..."Dang Glenetta, looks like you went to war." I hobbled out of the room in tears. My teacher, Mrs. Armstrong came out and gave me a pep talk..."You can do this. Toughen up."
*
I Jumped in...
Now What?
9/20/18
Well technically, I did not jump in the pool. I went the most comfortable route and put in one inch of my body at a time. I was terrified. My assumption was that once my body was completely immersed I would drown. My swim instructor was so patient with me and put no pressure on me. The only pressure I felt was coming from my 10 year old niece Phillesha who swam back and forth like a fish. And although she never uttered a negative word, I knew she was wondering why I was not being my usual brave self.
The goal for my first day was to fully immerse my self into the water. From head to toe. My instructor talked me through as I kept trying to make excuses. He eventually convinced me to go in.
"I'm drowning!! I'm drowning."
As I was "drowning" I could hear him saying something in the background. I was wondering why he wasn't jumping in to save me. Finally I heard his words,
"Stand up. You are in 3 feet."
I also heard my niece covering her giggles. She dare not laugh at her Aunt Netta and appear disrespectful. As I came to the surface and grabbed the side of the pool, I had to laugh at myself.
I had an irrational fear of the water. Practically, it made no sense. How could I believe I would drown in 3 feet and I was 5'4 and 3/4 of an inch. That day I accepted that my fear was a ridiculous one, based on childhood memories. The many times I was not allowed in the water because there was a fear I would drown. Instead of learning how to swim, the prohibition turned into illogical fear. I also thought about the summer two young children from our church died from drownings. I was in middle school at the time of their drownings and knowing they passed helped to solodify my fears.
So there I stood at the edge of the pool thinking about my fear of swimming and yet feeling determined to come back the next day. Also ready to take on the root of the multi-layered fear.
"See you tomorrow coach, " I said to the instructor as I gathered my things.
"You did great M'am."
M'am????
Now What?
9/20/18
Well technically, I did not jump in the pool. I went the most comfortable route and put in one inch of my body at a time. I was terrified. My assumption was that once my body was completely immersed I would drown. My swim instructor was so patient with me and put no pressure on me. The only pressure I felt was coming from my 10 year old niece Phillesha who swam back and forth like a fish. And although she never uttered a negative word, I knew she was wondering why I was not being my usual brave self.
The goal for my first day was to fully immerse my self into the water. From head to toe. My instructor talked me through as I kept trying to make excuses. He eventually convinced me to go in.
"I'm drowning!! I'm drowning."
As I was "drowning" I could hear him saying something in the background. I was wondering why he wasn't jumping in to save me. Finally I heard his words,
"Stand up. You are in 3 feet."
I also heard my niece covering her giggles. She dare not laugh at her Aunt Netta and appear disrespectful. As I came to the surface and grabbed the side of the pool, I had to laugh at myself.
I had an irrational fear of the water. Practically, it made no sense. How could I believe I would drown in 3 feet and I was 5'4 and 3/4 of an inch. That day I accepted that my fear was a ridiculous one, based on childhood memories. The many times I was not allowed in the water because there was a fear I would drown. Instead of learning how to swim, the prohibition turned into illogical fear. I also thought about the summer two young children from our church died from drownings. I was in middle school at the time of their drownings and knowing they passed helped to solodify my fears.
So there I stood at the edge of the pool thinking about my fear of swimming and yet feeling determined to come back the next day. Also ready to take on the root of the multi-layered fear.
"See you tomorrow coach, " I said to the instructor as I gathered my things.
"You did great M'am."
M'am????
Jumping Into the Deep: Making the Decision
About 18 years ago, a couple of years before my 30th birthday, I was determined to face my fears head on. The top fear at the time was pools and beaches. I was that grown a$$ woman who sat on the side of the pool at a pool party with only my feet in and dared anyone to push me inside. When I went to beaches, I did not allow the water to go above my knees. I had spent 5 summers working in Miami and this fear had prevented me from fully enjoying myself.
Therefore, when I decided to face this fear, I was determined to follow through. I signed up for classes at the local pool and showed up on time with backup. My 10 year old niece and my fiance were there to save me in case the instructor got distracted. I was cute in the latest bathing suit. At a buck and some change, I was hot! I put on my goggles and headed toward the pool. This was an adult beginning swimmers class. The instructor introduced himself. He was a teenager, not much older than the students I taught daily. After saying hello, he let me know that my goggles were in violation because they covered my eyes AND nose. I also had ear plugs. I debated with him for a few minutes and won. I could wear my GOGGLES!
What happened next was a trip...
About 18 years ago, a couple of years before my 30th birthday, I was determined to face my fears head on. The top fear at the time was pools and beaches. I was that grown a$$ woman who sat on the side of the pool at a pool party with only my feet in and dared anyone to push me inside. When I went to beaches, I did not allow the water to go above my knees. I had spent 5 summers working in Miami and this fear had prevented me from fully enjoying myself.
Therefore, when I decided to face this fear, I was determined to follow through. I signed up for classes at the local pool and showed up on time with backup. My 10 year old niece and my fiance were there to save me in case the instructor got distracted. I was cute in the latest bathing suit. At a buck and some change, I was hot! I put on my goggles and headed toward the pool. This was an adult beginning swimmers class. The instructor introduced himself. He was a teenager, not much older than the students I taught daily. After saying hello, he let me know that my goggles were in violation because they covered my eyes AND nose. I also had ear plugs. I debated with him for a few minutes and won. I could wear my GOGGLES!
What happened next was a trip...
Lessons I've Learned from the Divorced/
Newly Single Dating Life 5/16/18
I was in a marriage for 13 years. Of those years, only about 5 years total...when you add up sporadic months where I was actually happy. I knew we were not compatible pretty early on, but I was convinced that if I prayed more and loved him harder, we would survive and thrive. The only thing that thrived was my womb. If he looked at me a certain way, I would get pregnant. So here I am back in the dating pool after over 20 years. We were together on and off for 5 years before marriage. During the past 2 years I have done my share of dating and this is some of what I have found so far.
Newly Single Dating Life 5/16/18
I was in a marriage for 13 years. Of those years, only about 5 years total...when you add up sporadic months where I was actually happy. I knew we were not compatible pretty early on, but I was convinced that if I prayed more and loved him harder, we would survive and thrive. The only thing that thrived was my womb. If he looked at me a certain way, I would get pregnant. So here I am back in the dating pool after over 20 years. We were together on and off for 5 years before marriage. During the past 2 years I have done my share of dating and this is some of what I have found so far.
- Most men I have dated want me..and only me...Not the entire package. I am now a single woman of four, ages 14, 13, 10 and 8. Prior to being all of that..it was just me and only me. That is who some want..me before kids. Well, that is not happening.
- Many people on dating websites create an alternate person for online purposes. Basically..THEY LIE. The more it sounds too good to be true, it probably is just that.
- On the flip side, honesty scares some men away. They see u as too authentic and sometimes too much. I will never stop being honest and being me.
- Many men expect you to be committed to them, but will not officially put a label on your "situation." I will only be down for who is down for me. No commitment unless it is reciprocated.
- Dating a man over 45 who has never been married is not a good idea if you want to be married. Most men at that age have settled into being a bachelor and probably won't settle down until they need someone to help change their depends.
- A percentage of married friends no longer see you as someone to hang with. Your newfound singleness can cause them to see you as a threat and someone who has the divorce cooties. While they may admire your courage to reclaim your happiness, it can possibly remind them of their unhappy union. A real friend will be cool with you no matter your status. I still believe in and admire those who have long lasting healthy marriages..no matter what my past experience has been. And I still see myself being a wife over a boo, bae, one night stand, cupcake, etc.
- I still have to trust God to lead me to the one who is for me. He sees the whole person and the whole picture. I only see who is in front of me and who they present themselves to be at that moment. I am sure there are more lessons to come...
I miss my Big Bro Den PArt 1
5/15/18
The kids and I were attending the MLK celebration at the Forum. My phone rang and it was my sister Marie calling from Oakland. Whenever I get a call from home, I get nervous, just not knowing if it is a call of celebration or the opposite.
"Baby sis. I wanted to let you know that Den is in the hospital. But it looks like he is gonna be ok. " She stated as soon as I picked up the phone.
"Ok sis. Do I need to come out there?" I asked as my heart felt so heavy.
"No sis. He will be ok. He just has the flu."
"Oh Ok." My heart feeling even heavier.
I hung up the phone and let the kids know we needed to get home. The entire walk home, I cried, but walked behind the kids so they could not see me. We got home and I sent various friends and family members texts asking they pray for my Big Brother Den. I felt their prayers and words of encouragement but my heart was getting heavier and heavier. I could not sleep that night.
Fight big bro....
The next morning my phone rang.
"Baby sis, you need to get out here. They are saying he may not make it, He got worse overnight and his organs are shutting down."
"Wait...what? I thought you said it was just the flu?"
"I know but it turned into pneumonia and with his diabetes, his body can't fight it...."
"Ok. Let me call the airline now and get a ticket. I will get there ASAP. I just have to make arrangements for the kids."
He's only 50....
Hours later, I arrived.
"You are right on time. They are about to pull the plug." I don't know who said those words to me but something in me shattered, I fell to the side of the bed and sobbed...uncontrollably. My Big Bro Den was transitioning and there was nothing I could do about it.. My siblings, his best friend E, nieces and nephews and his daughter were gathered around the bed. The pain in that room was tangible. It had a persona of its own. My big Sis Nita represented my mom as a pillar of strength, but I knew she was hurting. We attempted to say our goodbyes..
My parents were not there because they suffer from Alzheimers and Dementia. However, the nursing home reported that they each cried all day long. Not able to communicate the source of their pain, it was obvious that they felt their son, my Big Bro Dennis making his transition.
This occurred about four months ago, but I am just able to write about it...
"Baby sis. I wanted to let you know that Den is in the hospital. But it looks like he is gonna be ok. " She stated as soon as I picked up the phone.
"Ok sis. Do I need to come out there?" I asked as my heart felt so heavy.
"No sis. He will be ok. He just has the flu."
"Oh Ok." My heart feeling even heavier.
I hung up the phone and let the kids know we needed to get home. The entire walk home, I cried, but walked behind the kids so they could not see me. We got home and I sent various friends and family members texts asking they pray for my Big Brother Den. I felt their prayers and words of encouragement but my heart was getting heavier and heavier. I could not sleep that night.
Fight big bro....
The next morning my phone rang.
"Baby sis, you need to get out here. They are saying he may not make it, He got worse overnight and his organs are shutting down."
"Wait...what? I thought you said it was just the flu?"
"I know but it turned into pneumonia and with his diabetes, his body can't fight it...."
"Ok. Let me call the airline now and get a ticket. I will get there ASAP. I just have to make arrangements for the kids."
He's only 50....
Hours later, I arrived.
"You are right on time. They are about to pull the plug." I don't know who said those words to me but something in me shattered, I fell to the side of the bed and sobbed...uncontrollably. My Big Bro Den was transitioning and there was nothing I could do about it.. My siblings, his best friend E, nieces and nephews and his daughter were gathered around the bed. The pain in that room was tangible. It had a persona of its own. My big Sis Nita represented my mom as a pillar of strength, but I knew she was hurting. We attempted to say our goodbyes..
My parents were not there because they suffer from Alzheimers and Dementia. However, the nursing home reported that they each cried all day long. Not able to communicate the source of their pain, it was obvious that they felt their son, my Big Bro Dennis making his transition.
This occurred about four months ago, but I am just able to write about it...
9/3/17
This time last year I posted the meme above onto my Facebook page with the tagline "This time next year..I will have an amazing testimony..in the meantime."
I was unemployed, in the middle of a separation leading to divorce, taking care of my four children, and simply overwhelmed. Today I am working, in the middle of the divorce process and yes, taking care of four healthy, energetic, and intelligent children. Not only has my employment status changed, but so has my attitude. I no longer ask why is something happening to me, but why is this happening for me. How is each circumstance shaping me into the woman I am to be? When I began to see the world from that perspective, things no longer kept me up at night. Did I and do I still have the moments where I cry profusely and let it all out? No doubt. Do I vent to a close friend over comfort food? Absolutely. Yet, in the end I know that every situation is literally molding me into a woman of strength, purpose and power.
Throughout the process I learned specific lessons. One lesson was humility. A good friend called me this time last year. She is the type of friend I only see a couple of times a year. Yet, when we do see each other, we pick up as if we never left each others side. When I saw the phone ringing, I almost didn't answer because I was in a serious funk and I knew she would know as soon as she heard my voice. Against my pride, I answered. She instantly picked up on my tone. I was embarrassed. She began to tell me that it was ok to not always be strong and to ask for help. I just listened. Then she told me that she has spoken with her spouse and they decided that they were going to take care of my rent for the next 3 months. She wanted me to have time to "just be" and not worry. She reminded me of how I was a blessing to her life especially when we were working together..how I would give her valuable advice about our day to day work challenges. She also told me how she knows that if she ever needed something and was in a position to help, I would without hesitation. I completely broke. I fell to the floor and cried from my gut...the kids came into the room, because they heard me..I assured them I only had happy tears..
You see, I had been up all night trying to figure out how I was going to make it financially. I was having mini-panic attacks and just overwhelmed. Her generosity was an answer to a prayer I was too prideful to even pray. I don't like being "needy" and had not expressed what was happening to even my family. I wanted to tough it out and figure it out on my own. But God....had another plan. A plan that would humble me and let go of my pride.
This time last year I posted the meme above onto my Facebook page with the tagline "This time next year..I will have an amazing testimony..in the meantime."
I was unemployed, in the middle of a separation leading to divorce, taking care of my four children, and simply overwhelmed. Today I am working, in the middle of the divorce process and yes, taking care of four healthy, energetic, and intelligent children. Not only has my employment status changed, but so has my attitude. I no longer ask why is something happening to me, but why is this happening for me. How is each circumstance shaping me into the woman I am to be? When I began to see the world from that perspective, things no longer kept me up at night. Did I and do I still have the moments where I cry profusely and let it all out? No doubt. Do I vent to a close friend over comfort food? Absolutely. Yet, in the end I know that every situation is literally molding me into a woman of strength, purpose and power.
Throughout the process I learned specific lessons. One lesson was humility. A good friend called me this time last year. She is the type of friend I only see a couple of times a year. Yet, when we do see each other, we pick up as if we never left each others side. When I saw the phone ringing, I almost didn't answer because I was in a serious funk and I knew she would know as soon as she heard my voice. Against my pride, I answered. She instantly picked up on my tone. I was embarrassed. She began to tell me that it was ok to not always be strong and to ask for help. I just listened. Then she told me that she has spoken with her spouse and they decided that they were going to take care of my rent for the next 3 months. She wanted me to have time to "just be" and not worry. She reminded me of how I was a blessing to her life especially when we were working together..how I would give her valuable advice about our day to day work challenges. She also told me how she knows that if she ever needed something and was in a position to help, I would without hesitation. I completely broke. I fell to the floor and cried from my gut...the kids came into the room, because they heard me..I assured them I only had happy tears..
You see, I had been up all night trying to figure out how I was going to make it financially. I was having mini-panic attacks and just overwhelmed. Her generosity was an answer to a prayer I was too prideful to even pray. I don't like being "needy" and had not expressed what was happening to even my family. I wanted to tough it out and figure it out on my own. But God....had another plan. A plan that would humble me and let go of my pride.
Mom, Are you a feminist?
7/15/2017
I just never know what my children are going to ask me. One of the questions of this week came from my 14 year old son. He wanted to know whether or not I am a feminist. I told him that yes, I believe in equality between men and women but I do not consider myself a feminist per se. I wanted to know why he was asking this question. I inquired. He'd been watching youtube videos by "feminists" and it seemed as if they hated men, based on what he saw. That would explain the look of relief when I told him I did not consider myself to be a feminist. We talked a bit more and I encouraged him to consider feminists who are not on the extreme side of the spectrum. I explained to him that as a black woman, I am forced to deal with people who treat me differently because I am black and not so much because I am a woman. We talked a bit more and then the conversation became about when we going to hit the pool again.
7/15/2017
I just never know what my children are going to ask me. One of the questions of this week came from my 14 year old son. He wanted to know whether or not I am a feminist. I told him that yes, I believe in equality between men and women but I do not consider myself a feminist per se. I wanted to know why he was asking this question. I inquired. He'd been watching youtube videos by "feminists" and it seemed as if they hated men, based on what he saw. That would explain the look of relief when I told him I did not consider myself to be a feminist. We talked a bit more and I encouraged him to consider feminists who are not on the extreme side of the spectrum. I explained to him that as a black woman, I am forced to deal with people who treat me differently because I am black and not so much because I am a woman. We talked a bit more and then the conversation became about when we going to hit the pool again.
I Had to Put on My Big Girl Panties Today. Period.
7/2/2017
I know I keep talking about being 46 and single with four young children. However, the more I write about it the more I accept my current situation. You see...most of my life I planned. I planned my educational pursuits and accomplished most and currently working on one more. I planned my career and most of that has happened. I planned the type of person I would marry and about how many children I would have. I actually used to say I wanted to have 10 children, but that changed after I had my first one at 32. Although I had relatively easy pregnancies and was very fertile, I knew #4 was the last. Four and no more. I did not plan for a divorce and starting over at 46. This is truly an on the job experience. I did not plan on being a single mom. And now that I am one, my respect for single moms and dads has gone to an all new high! I watched from the sidelines for many years and admired the strength and fortitude it takes to make it happen...most of the time....by yourself. Now I am the one being watched. Life happens and it is as if people look and say....."Oh this is gonna be the thing that breaks her." I even wake up some mornings and feel that way. But then I look in the mirror..at my mama and daddy's face combined and say...heck no. I ain't breaking. God has given me much. And I am not talking about material things...at least not yet. Today was one of those days. Last week was a trip. Life happened that I will only put in my book! But guess what....I figured it out and I am still standing. I put my big girl panties on this morning, got out the house, since the kids are with granny, and brought myself to my writing spot. And when I am done writing this post, I will work on the paper I have been avoiding for a class I am taking! U got this G! Go Netta Boo Go!!
46 and Single, with 4 young children...
6/6/17
This was not on my life plan. It was not supposed to happen this way. But it has and I am adjusting each day. Every hour. Learning more about who I am as a woman. What I will and will not tolerate. I've noticed that many men expect me to compromise more than usual because I have four young children. What they don't realize is that I am not compromising...because of my babies. They deserve so much more. I won't settle just to be able to say I have a man. I'd prefer to be without a dude..if it means sacrificing what I need in a mate to compliment all that I bring to the table.
Hi I'm Glenetta and I Still Hate Alzheimer's
6/6/17
Sometimes I wish I could give my mom a pill that reversed her Alzheimers within moments. I'd have to catch her up on quite a bit. I'm sure the first thing she would ask me about..is the kids. She would ask about the smart baby..Adar, who is now 7. She always laughed when she talked to him because he has been talking from a very young age. In fact, I don't remember him not talking. She thought he was hilarious. Then she would ask about the bossy baby girl, Aminah. She was also humored by her. Once mom came to visit. I gave her Aminah's room for the few days she was with us. Aminah walked into the room and pointed to each item, telling my mom, "Mine, Mine, Mine." Qiym, my now 12 year old, she called him the greedy one. She loved how he would come to her house and clean his plate. And then ask for seconds. My mom grew up in a time where the more you ate, the more the cook adored you. Jahlel, the now 14 year old and the oldest, she referred to him as the smart one, always soaking in information and telling people about what he learned.
I miss her so much and wish I could ask her advice about all the decisions I have been faced with over the past few years. When I was a freshman in college, I went to her for advice. You see I was in love. My boyfriend proposed on Christmas of my freshman year and we were now engaged. I went to my mom and told her that I was thinking about moving in with my fiancé so we could save money for the wedding. I just knew she was going to tell me to not "shack up." Instead, she said, "You are 18 and you have to now make decisions for yourself. Do what you think is best for your future." I so wanted her to tell me exactly what to do. In fact, I was confused and thrown for a loop. After weighing my options, I decided to stay in my dorm.
So even though I know she would tell me to pray, ask for guidance, and make a wise decision, I still want to hear her say it to me..
6/6/17
This was not on my life plan. It was not supposed to happen this way. But it has and I am adjusting each day. Every hour. Learning more about who I am as a woman. What I will and will not tolerate. I've noticed that many men expect me to compromise more than usual because I have four young children. What they don't realize is that I am not compromising...because of my babies. They deserve so much more. I won't settle just to be able to say I have a man. I'd prefer to be without a dude..if it means sacrificing what I need in a mate to compliment all that I bring to the table.
Hi I'm Glenetta and I Still Hate Alzheimer's
6/6/17
Sometimes I wish I could give my mom a pill that reversed her Alzheimers within moments. I'd have to catch her up on quite a bit. I'm sure the first thing she would ask me about..is the kids. She would ask about the smart baby..Adar, who is now 7. She always laughed when she talked to him because he has been talking from a very young age. In fact, I don't remember him not talking. She thought he was hilarious. Then she would ask about the bossy baby girl, Aminah. She was also humored by her. Once mom came to visit. I gave her Aminah's room for the few days she was with us. Aminah walked into the room and pointed to each item, telling my mom, "Mine, Mine, Mine." Qiym, my now 12 year old, she called him the greedy one. She loved how he would come to her house and clean his plate. And then ask for seconds. My mom grew up in a time where the more you ate, the more the cook adored you. Jahlel, the now 14 year old and the oldest, she referred to him as the smart one, always soaking in information and telling people about what he learned.
I miss her so much and wish I could ask her advice about all the decisions I have been faced with over the past few years. When I was a freshman in college, I went to her for advice. You see I was in love. My boyfriend proposed on Christmas of my freshman year and we were now engaged. I went to my mom and told her that I was thinking about moving in with my fiancé so we could save money for the wedding. I just knew she was going to tell me to not "shack up." Instead, she said, "You are 18 and you have to now make decisions for yourself. Do what you think is best for your future." I so wanted her to tell me exactly what to do. In fact, I was confused and thrown for a loop. After weighing my options, I decided to stay in my dorm.
So even though I know she would tell me to pray, ask for guidance, and make a wise decision, I still want to hear her say it to me..
2016: The Year I Grew Up
1/25/2017
After 45 years on this earth, I have finally accepted that life just happens. No matter how we plan, strategize and manipulate situations, things will happen that we did not plan, nor are ready to face. This hit me the hardest in 2016. In January of that year, I decided to leave a marriage that just was not working. When I say I tried everything possible to make it work..I did. 14 years later, I woke up and just said..."I'll be moving out and establishing another residence for the kids and I within the next 30 days." The other party, though not surprised, was a bit taken off guard, but also knew it was the best decision.
As I started looking for a new residence, I had two main requirements, safe and affordable. Within a week I found exactly that. A gated community not too far from the kids schools and activities. While the rent would be more, I had just gotten a substantial raise at work so I was cool. Put in the app, which they did not charge me for and waited. Two days later, I was told the place was mine! I was kinda in shock because it was the only place I looked at and it was ideal I every way. Went home and started packing. I did not tell many people what was going on because I knew my mind was made up. And I did not have the energy to listen to people tell me to pray my way through or just stay because at least I wasn't being abused and the other party wasn't on drugs. Yeah, people really say stuff like that.
Things ran relatively smooth for about a month and then all types of stuff started hitting the fan. This was the year I kept my big girl panties on non-stop. I had to grow up by learning how to let go and surrender when others reached out to help me and not see it as a sign of weakness but one of strength. I had to make major adjustments to my budget which meant sacrificing some of the stuff I felt like I deserved and had worked hard to attain. In short, 2016 was the year I grew up! Accepting my new status as a 45 year old single mother of 4 has probably been the greatest lesson. Letting of go of how I thought my life should be by now and owning the reality of starting over took many boxes of tissue and convos with great friends. Stay tuned as I share stories from my journey. It was not easy, starting with a lay off from hell. But I'll talk about that the next time!
1/25/2017
After 45 years on this earth, I have finally accepted that life just happens. No matter how we plan, strategize and manipulate situations, things will happen that we did not plan, nor are ready to face. This hit me the hardest in 2016. In January of that year, I decided to leave a marriage that just was not working. When I say I tried everything possible to make it work..I did. 14 years later, I woke up and just said..."I'll be moving out and establishing another residence for the kids and I within the next 30 days." The other party, though not surprised, was a bit taken off guard, but also knew it was the best decision.
As I started looking for a new residence, I had two main requirements, safe and affordable. Within a week I found exactly that. A gated community not too far from the kids schools and activities. While the rent would be more, I had just gotten a substantial raise at work so I was cool. Put in the app, which they did not charge me for and waited. Two days later, I was told the place was mine! I was kinda in shock because it was the only place I looked at and it was ideal I every way. Went home and started packing. I did not tell many people what was going on because I knew my mind was made up. And I did not have the energy to listen to people tell me to pray my way through or just stay because at least I wasn't being abused and the other party wasn't on drugs. Yeah, people really say stuff like that.
Things ran relatively smooth for about a month and then all types of stuff started hitting the fan. This was the year I kept my big girl panties on non-stop. I had to grow up by learning how to let go and surrender when others reached out to help me and not see it as a sign of weakness but one of strength. I had to make major adjustments to my budget which meant sacrificing some of the stuff I felt like I deserved and had worked hard to attain. In short, 2016 was the year I grew up! Accepting my new status as a 45 year old single mother of 4 has probably been the greatest lesson. Letting of go of how I thought my life should be by now and owning the reality of starting over took many boxes of tissue and convos with great friends. Stay tuned as I share stories from my journey. It was not easy, starting with a lay off from hell. But I'll talk about that the next time!
I'm Going to College!
1/26/2017
1/26/2017
When I was in the 3rd grade I decided that I was going to college to become a teacher. My elementary school, Woodland, in the heart of East Oakland, was full of beautiful black women who taught us like we were their very own each day. I would sit and watch their every move. I would admire their church outfits which they wore to work. And during recess I'd try to imitate them by attempting to boss my friends around. These women showed me an alternative to a lot of the negative things I saw in the neighborhood.
I cannot remember knowing anyone within the blocks of my neighborhood who had gone to college. It just wasn't the thing to do. Most people, like all of my 9 siblings ahead of me, went to work after high school, not college. Not because they were less intelligent but they had a different path. Therefore, when I say I decided to go to college, I know it was divine guidance. Once I made that commitment, everything I did was filtered through...going to college. Anything or anyone who attempted to deter me from that goal was given the boot. Period. I was focused. And any time I heard any counselor, teacher or guest speaker talk about college, I perked up and listened. The most influential person in this area was a man named Munyiga Lumumba. He was a rep from the Early Academic Outreach Program at UC Berkeley. During either 8th or 9th grade he came to Havenscourt Jr. High to talk about Saturday and Summer classes. I signed up and would go many Saturdays and every summer until graduating from High School. Upon graduation, I went to UC Berkeley.
Now when I hear my 8th grader tell me he is going to make movies or my 4th grader talk about singing for millions one day, I don't tell them to think of something else to do. Instead I validate their goal and try to find avenues to support their desire.
I must admit there was one time I had to redirect one of my little ones. The youngest, when he was four declared one day in the car, "I'm going to have a lot of kids with a lot of different mamas." While I wanted to gasp, I simply encouraged him explain himself. He went on to tell me that he wanted to marry all of the homeless women so that they could have somewhere to live. Whoosh...that was a close one. We discussed options to helping homeless women which did not involve him marrying each one.
I cannot remember knowing anyone within the blocks of my neighborhood who had gone to college. It just wasn't the thing to do. Most people, like all of my 9 siblings ahead of me, went to work after high school, not college. Not because they were less intelligent but they had a different path. Therefore, when I say I decided to go to college, I know it was divine guidance. Once I made that commitment, everything I did was filtered through...going to college. Anything or anyone who attempted to deter me from that goal was given the boot. Period. I was focused. And any time I heard any counselor, teacher or guest speaker talk about college, I perked up and listened. The most influential person in this area was a man named Munyiga Lumumba. He was a rep from the Early Academic Outreach Program at UC Berkeley. During either 8th or 9th grade he came to Havenscourt Jr. High to talk about Saturday and Summer classes. I signed up and would go many Saturdays and every summer until graduating from High School. Upon graduation, I went to UC Berkeley.
Now when I hear my 8th grader tell me he is going to make movies or my 4th grader talk about singing for millions one day, I don't tell them to think of something else to do. Instead I validate their goal and try to find avenues to support their desire.
I must admit there was one time I had to redirect one of my little ones. The youngest, when he was four declared one day in the car, "I'm going to have a lot of kids with a lot of different mamas." While I wanted to gasp, I simply encouraged him explain himself. He went on to tell me that he wanted to marry all of the homeless women so that they could have somewhere to live. Whoosh...that was a close one. We discussed options to helping homeless women which did not involve him marrying each one.
How's Your Nappy Faced Daughter Doing? 1-27-17
I was a new mom and it was my first week back on the job after maternity leave. I went into the teacher's lounge to get some coffee and socialize a bit during my break.
"How's your nappy faced daughter doing? said a white male co-worker.
"Excuse me?" I am sure I had the most puzzling look on my face.
"Oh, I'm sorry. Faces can't be nappy and you actually had a boy," as he cleaned up his first comment/question.
"How's your nappy headed son doing?"
My question remained the same.
"Excuse Me?" And then I turned around and walked away.
I really wanted to stay and say;
"You stupid ass mutha fucka. If you don't get the fuck outta my face I'm gonna slap the shit out of you and you will wish you never knew me or my beautiful, handsome prince. Stupid Ass."
Instead...I walked away, went to my office, wrote an email to the boss retelling the story and demanding that the school handle it immediately. Of course my boss called me and attempted to make excuses for the man's behavior.
"Y0u know he is getting up there and has less of a filter these days," the boss insisted.
"Well sir, based on his remarks to me I feel emotionally unsafe and if he even looks my way moving forward, you will not be talking to me, but my attorney."
Let's just say he went the other way every time he saw me coming. Case closed.
Too Tired For the Party!
1/28/2017 - 9:04 p.m.
1/28/2017 - 9:04 p.m.
To go out or to not go out? That is the question every single time the kids are with their dad on a Saturday Night. Initially the answer is always yes. However, by 9pm I have already changed my mind. Maybe I need to start finding out about "Day Parties." Cuz...the night time I am a bit worn out. I think it's just after being so on and busy throughout the week, Also, I must admit, I have never really been a partier. Except for that one year in Boston! I just don't always have the energy to expend. Shoot in Boston I was only 22/23. I am feeling a surge of energy come upon me...I just might make it out the door! The roof..the roof...the roof is one FIRE! Do they still say that at parties?
Hi. I'm Glenetta and My Mom Has Alzheimer's.
1/29/17
1/29/17
Nearly two years ago I was at home in Oakland digging through boxes at my parent's place. I was always looking for pictures and video tapes from back in the day. This time I found something even more powerful than a photo. It was a journal my mother kept. Her words and thoughts in writing. Many pages of her reflecting on her current circumstances. She also wrote prayers for each of her children, siblings, and friends. I wept as I turned every page.
Earlier that same day I had gone to visit my mom at the home where she was living. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 2 years prior. Her condition had worsened to the point where she needed 24 hour care. Visiting her in the home is always a heart wrenching experience.
When she was first diagnosed she would talk about it and how she was having a hard time remembering things. It progressed rapidly. I knew it was taking it's toll when I visited her with the kids one summer. When she woke up, she went to my children who were making noise in the living room and asked them who they were and how did they get in her house. I explained who they were and she eventually remembered. However, I went into the bathroom and wept. Wept for the memories she was loosing moment by moment. Wept for my children who would not experience her in their lives like the other grandkids had. Currently, she is not verbal and when I visit she has no idea who I am and even appears frightened by my presence.
Yet and still, I am thankful for all the conversations we did have over the years and that is what I try to focus on. Eventually I will share some of the words from her journal. In the meantime, each word brings a healing to my soul. Her written words connect me to her in a way I had never experienced when she was aware. I miss her so much, as she is still here, but not present.
I'm Gonna Be a Gangsta When I Grow Up!
1/30/17
1/30/17
For seven years I was the principal of a charter school deep in South Central. There were so many times I was reminded of why I was there every day. One such moment occurred during the beginning of the school year about year 5.
Dante, a kinder student, was sent to the office because he had something inappropriate in the classroom during a discussion. As I cleared my office to talked to Dante I wondered what he had said exactly.
"Hi Dante. I am so glad to have come to our school this year," I smiled. "Why did Ms. Wilson bring you to the office?"
"She asked us what we wanted to be when we grow up and I said a gangsta," He replied nonchalantly.
"Ok. I see and I understand why she sent you to the office. You see Dante, at SD we find those type of statements to be as worse as curse words. Do you even know what a gangsta is?
"Yeah, it's a person who carries guns, fights for his gang, goes to jail and sometimes gets killed," He stated with a sense of pride and confidence."
"I see. Well when you come to this school we want you to know that we don't want you to become a gangster. We want you to become a leader, doctor, teacher, lawyer, business owner or something like that. You understand?"
"Yeah," he said with a bit of hesitation.
"It's yes, Ms. Pope."
"Yes, Ms. Pope."
"You can go back to class and I want you to think about what else you will become besides a gangsta."
When Dante was picked up I asked his grandmother if we could have a moment. I told her about my conversation with Dante. She went on to say he comes from a family of gangbangers. His father had been shot and killed and his mother was in jail. She wanted to make sure that he did not get caught up in that life. She wanted him to be different. I assured her that we would work with to help him choose a more positive path. She thanked me and we separated.
The whole interaction was both emotionally draining and satisfying at the same time. Dante did have a challenging school year but we all worked to support and nurture him. I periodically run into him around the neighborhood and I just pray he is able to make positive choices.
#all names, besides Ms. Pope were changed,
From The Mouths of Babes.... 1/31/2017
3 Funny Things My Students Said to Me Throughout the
Years 1. "Ms. Pope, I love your hair. My mom bought the same kind." 2. I was about 6 months pregnant and male 3rd grader looked at me with disgust and said..."what is wrong with your stomach and why does it keep growing?" 3. "I see you put on two colors of lipstick today...it's cute!" |
3 Not So Funny Things Students Asked Me Throughout the Years
1. "Why would God take my dad away? He was only 33." (Asked after loosing her father to a rare heart disease.) 2. "Are we on lockdown again?" (As helicopters circled the sky above the school.) 3. "Why did white people hate us so much back then?" (After a history lesson on the Civil Rights Movement.) |
WMG - Working Mothers Guilt 2/1/17
When I first starting having children I developed a condition called WMG - Working Mother's Guilt. When I had my first in June, I was back to work in August. And because of this, I allowed my son to sleep in our bed. You see, I felt I had to do this because I spent so little time with him during the day, I had to at least give him the time as we both slept. Of course, this led to me being sleep deprived, Even to this day I still feel like I am catching up on sleep from when I had my first 13 years ago. Thankfully #2 and @3 liked having their own space and did not stay as long. But #4... he did not leave until about 5!!!! He would start off in his bed and then about 2 or 3 in the morning, he would creep in and snuggle next to me. I even caught him tip toping all the way to the bed at times. When he finally stopped, the WMG did not go away but it lessened.
A Child With a Serious Face 2/2/17
I was a child with a very serious demeanor. When I look back on pictures, I see it. And just recently a childhood friend described it as a sadness. And he was right. I experienced some things as a child that no child should have to endure. The way I dealt with the stuff was to throw myself into my books and enjoy the reality of others..not my own. I am thankful I chose a coping mechanism that led me to loving school. IT was my saving grace.
Grace Gave Me Grace 2/3/2017
On February 18, 1993 I wrote the following in my journal. I was a senior @ U.C. Berkeley.
I had a test @ 8a.m. and did not wake up until 8:50 a.m. My roommate Kris said, "Just go to class and tell her you overslept. Thank you Kris because I was ready to give up. I had been studying on and off through the night. So I went to the class, walked in and told the professor, "I overslept."
She simply said, "Just start the test and I'll allow you to finish in my office."
Praise God! She has known me for four years and she said she knew I was telling the truth. From this incident, I realized that I have to get my schedule together. I must study consistently and not wait until the last minute. I have been ripping and running and not taking care of my academics. So Lord help me to write down my schedule and stick to it this time! Ironically the professor's name is Grace!
I had a test @ 8a.m. and did not wake up until 8:50 a.m. My roommate Kris said, "Just go to class and tell her you overslept. Thank you Kris because I was ready to give up. I had been studying on and off through the night. So I went to the class, walked in and told the professor, "I overslept."
She simply said, "Just start the test and I'll allow you to finish in my office."
Praise God! She has known me for four years and she said she knew I was telling the truth. From this incident, I realized that I have to get my schedule together. I must study consistently and not wait until the last minute. I have been ripping and running and not taking care of my academics. So Lord help me to write down my schedule and stick to it this time! Ironically the professor's name is Grace!
After 45 Years I am Still.....
2-5-2017
2-5-2017
Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder...although my body has changed, the core of who I am is pretty much the same. I have the blessing of seeing this in writing as I read journals that span over 30 years. After 45 years I still..
1. Love my family - it has expanded with the addition of my children.
2. Love HARD!! I am clearly the epitome of Ride it until the Wheels fall off!
3. Love Learning - Over those 30 years, I have been blessed to complete a BA,
and two Masters Degrees and know I am not finished. I will be Dr. G one
day!
4. Try to convince myself that people are not who they display who they
are and if I just love them more, they will transform!!!
5. Trust easily. I believe what people tell me UNTIL their actions show
otherwise.
6. Care deeply about the children of the inner city like me who needed
something outside of their circumstances to motivate them.
7. Love falling AND staying in Love.
8. Am A fighter. When someone tells me no I am already thinking of how to get
around the no.. I don't give up...in my career, family, etc.
9. Believe that true friends become family whom you never let go!
10. Do too much and need to slow down!!
11. Love to LAUGH and make people laugh.
ETC....
1. Love my family - it has expanded with the addition of my children.
2. Love HARD!! I am clearly the epitome of Ride it until the Wheels fall off!
3. Love Learning - Over those 30 years, I have been blessed to complete a BA,
and two Masters Degrees and know I am not finished. I will be Dr. G one
day!
4. Try to convince myself that people are not who they display who they
are and if I just love them more, they will transform!!!
5. Trust easily. I believe what people tell me UNTIL their actions show
otherwise.
6. Care deeply about the children of the inner city like me who needed
something outside of their circumstances to motivate them.
7. Love falling AND staying in Love.
8. Am A fighter. When someone tells me no I am already thinking of how to get
around the no.. I don't give up...in my career, family, etc.
9. Believe that true friends become family whom you never let go!
10. Do too much and need to slow down!!
11. Love to LAUGH and make people laugh.
ETC....
Lessons From My Mother: I Shalt Take Care of Myself! 2/6/17
There are so many important lessons I learned from my mother. How to cook the best fried chicken on the block. How to love unconditionally and take care of those in need. I really could write for days about those lessons. However, this time I will focus on just one: the importance of self care. For my mom's fiftieth birthday my siblings and I has decided that we were going to throw her a party. I was in charge of pampering her on the day of the party. I picked her up early, took her to get her hair done and lastly to get a manicure and pedicure. She was fine with the manicure, but when it was time for the pedicure, I had to convince her to let the technician do her job. She let the lady know that she takes care of her own feet and didn't want no one else touching them. It took some time. but I finally convinced her to enjoy being pampered. When I brought up getting a massage, she nearly cussed me out and she was not the cussing type. She did not want some stranger touching her body. I let that one go.
She later thanked me for the pedicure and even went back after the initial experience. But why did it take until 50 to get her first pedicure? I was baffled...until I had children. I now see how one can get so caught up in taking care of their children, that they neglect their own needs. My mom had been taking care of her siblings and then her children and grandchildren nearly all of her life so when did she have time for her? Well guess what? I got the lesson. I take out those moments to take care of me in whatever I deem necessary at the time and I don't feel guilty about do so at any time. Because if mommy is good...so is everyone else.
She later thanked me for the pedicure and even went back after the initial experience. But why did it take until 50 to get her first pedicure? I was baffled...until I had children. I now see how one can get so caught up in taking care of their children, that they neglect their own needs. My mom had been taking care of her siblings and then her children and grandchildren nearly all of her life so when did she have time for her? Well guess what? I got the lesson. I take out those moments to take care of me in whatever I deem necessary at the time and I don't feel guilty about do so at any time. Because if mommy is good...so is everyone else.
My First Job @5
2/7/17
I had my first job at 5. My dad had his own company, Bee Safe Alarm/Beeper Company, on 77th and E. 14th in East Oakland. He gave me my first job as a janitor. I can remember our conversation, He said,
"Baby girl, your job is to empty all of he garbage cans at each persons desk and put new bags in each can." "And what do I get?" I replied. "You will get a dollar every day you do your job," I was so excited and did my job with pride. Eventually I moved up to file clerk and receptionist. Working for my dad gave me the desire to have my own business and be my own boss. Although I have not achieved that goal yet, it is still going to happen! |
What do you mean my son has autism?? PArt 1
2/8/2017
When my 3 year old son's doctor me that he suspected that my son was on the autism spectrum nearly nine years ago, the first questions I asked were,
"Dr., did I do something to cause this?"
"Was it the vaccines?"
"Will he be ok?"
"What can we do? What is the plan?"
As I left the Dr's office, I tried to be upbeat. However, as soon as we got home, I went in the bathroom and cried. Even though his Dr. reassured me it was nothing I did as a parent and we would work on a plan to help him live a good life, I just could not get passed feeling like I had did something wrong. I reflected on the pregnancy and wondered if I had read to him enough...or maybe I should have played more classical music. Was it the one cup of coffee I had each day?
I initially took him to the Dr. because he was doing things which were out of the ordinary in comparison to his older brother who was 19 months older. For instance, he had much fewer words and when he did speak, typically, only I could understand him and that was even a challenge. Also, he would have these tantrums that seemed to make no sense. For instance, if I decided to make a detour on the way home, he would have a total melt down and just cry as if he was in pain. Later I found out this was because he had a hard time adjusting to change, on any level.
After a few days I pulled myself together, called the referrals the Dr. gave us, and started implementing a plan. I took him to the regional center and was told that since he wasn't banging his head against the wall, they could not help him. I later found out they did not offer assistance because they were experiencing budget cuts and they could really only afford to assist those in extreme cases. In addition. since he was almost 3 and a half, he could get services through the school district. While my son was non-verbal, he passed all of the other tests which required him to assemble puzzles and put things in order. In fact, at that time he was doing 100 -150 piece puzzles on his own. It was confusing. I wondered how could he do these puzzles, but not tell me what he wanted and instead, made gestures and sounds. As I read more and more, I realized that each case of autism is very unique. Eventually, I was told he was high functioning and needed intense speech therapy, occupational therapy, adapted PE, etc. It was overwhelming at times, but I knew I had to suck it up and move forward..for his benefit. Period.
Over the first months and years, he started to show growth. It was slow, consistent growth.
"Dr., did I do something to cause this?"
"Was it the vaccines?"
"Will he be ok?"
"What can we do? What is the plan?"
As I left the Dr's office, I tried to be upbeat. However, as soon as we got home, I went in the bathroom and cried. Even though his Dr. reassured me it was nothing I did as a parent and we would work on a plan to help him live a good life, I just could not get passed feeling like I had did something wrong. I reflected on the pregnancy and wondered if I had read to him enough...or maybe I should have played more classical music. Was it the one cup of coffee I had each day?
I initially took him to the Dr. because he was doing things which were out of the ordinary in comparison to his older brother who was 19 months older. For instance, he had much fewer words and when he did speak, typically, only I could understand him and that was even a challenge. Also, he would have these tantrums that seemed to make no sense. For instance, if I decided to make a detour on the way home, he would have a total melt down and just cry as if he was in pain. Later I found out this was because he had a hard time adjusting to change, on any level.
After a few days I pulled myself together, called the referrals the Dr. gave us, and started implementing a plan. I took him to the regional center and was told that since he wasn't banging his head against the wall, they could not help him. I later found out they did not offer assistance because they were experiencing budget cuts and they could really only afford to assist those in extreme cases. In addition. since he was almost 3 and a half, he could get services through the school district. While my son was non-verbal, he passed all of the other tests which required him to assemble puzzles and put things in order. In fact, at that time he was doing 100 -150 piece puzzles on his own. It was confusing. I wondered how could he do these puzzles, but not tell me what he wanted and instead, made gestures and sounds. As I read more and more, I realized that each case of autism is very unique. Eventually, I was told he was high functioning and needed intense speech therapy, occupational therapy, adapted PE, etc. It was overwhelming at times, but I knew I had to suck it up and move forward..for his benefit. Period.
Over the first months and years, he started to show growth. It was slow, consistent growth.
I Hate Diabetes - Part 1
2/10/2017
2/10/2017
"Ms. Pope, based on your blood and urine test results you have diabetes."
Spring 95
As the doctor said these words, I began to roll back the tape. Yes, I was always thirsty with a thirst that could not be quenched. I drank soda, milk, juice and water around the clock but was always thirsty. I even sent my students to the cafeteria to pick up milk for me during class time. Yes, I had intense headaches and felt faint at times, but taking a nap seemed to help with that..at least to some extent. Yes, my feet would cramp up and hurt to the point where they felt frozen, but eventually they would become normal. And yes, I had dropped 25 -30 pounds off of my already small 125lb frame. I assumed the weight loss was due to stress from my first year of teaching.
The normal range for blood sugar is 80-120. When the doctor checked it that night at the hospital it was nearly 600. I could have been in a coma, but I drove myself to the hospital. Thank God I made it and was able to begin the treatment I needed to live.
Spring 95
As the doctor said these words, I began to roll back the tape. Yes, I was always thirsty with a thirst that could not be quenched. I drank soda, milk, juice and water around the clock but was always thirsty. I even sent my students to the cafeteria to pick up milk for me during class time. Yes, I had intense headaches and felt faint at times, but taking a nap seemed to help with that..at least to some extent. Yes, my feet would cramp up and hurt to the point where they felt frozen, but eventually they would become normal. And yes, I had dropped 25 -30 pounds off of my already small 125lb frame. I assumed the weight loss was due to stress from my first year of teaching.
The normal range for blood sugar is 80-120. When the doctor checked it that night at the hospital it was nearly 600. I could have been in a coma, but I drove myself to the hospital. Thank God I made it and was able to begin the treatment I needed to live.
What Do You Mean My Son Has Autism? Part 2
2/11/2017
Once the diagnoses was made, I began to understand my son even more. You see, he would do things that seemed strange to me, but I later was able to put things in perspective. For instance, when he was around 2 years old I had purchased a set of foam letters. Each letter was a foot long and wide. He would go in the backyard and line up the letters A-Z and then he would line them up backwards from Z-A. However, his older brother, being the silly child he is, would randomly run through the letters, causing one or two to get out of place. My son would have a total melt down which included screaming and throwing the letters. After calming down, he would start all over again putting the letters in order from A-Z and then Z-A. The typical child would have probably taken the two letters that were knocked out of place and put them back instead of starting all over. He interacted with his Thomas the Train set in the same way. He would line up the trains, call each one by name, and play with them for hours. If anyone dare knock one out of place, the tantrum and need to keep start over continued.
His bedtime routine had become a draining task until I understood him better. After reading a story and tucking him in, he would sometimes scream to the top of his lungs. I would return to the room, attempting to soothe him over and over again, to no avail. During one of these times he kept pointing to the foot of the bed. I was so confused and frustrated. Eventually he jumped out of the bed, went to the right corner and pulled down a corner that was turned up. He went back under his covers and went straight to sleep. His need for order was extremely specific at times. The corner of the cover being turned up irritated him because it was out of place.
Although we eventually began to understand him better, the process was quite intense.
His bedtime routine had become a draining task until I understood him better. After reading a story and tucking him in, he would sometimes scream to the top of his lungs. I would return to the room, attempting to soothe him over and over again, to no avail. During one of these times he kept pointing to the foot of the bed. I was so confused and frustrated. Eventually he jumped out of the bed, went to the right corner and pulled down a corner that was turned up. He went back under his covers and went straight to sleep. His need for order was extremely specific at times. The corner of the cover being turned up irritated him because it was out of place.
Although we eventually began to understand him better, the process was quite intense.
REFLECTIONS
I believe in therapy. And not just writing as therapy but actually talking with a trained professional in an effort to process an event, series of events, emotions, etc. In one session a couple of years ago, I was given an assignment: Look in the mirror for 5 minutes without looking away. At the end of the five minutes...just write what you saw and felt. Let's just say it was the longest five minutes of my life.
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:Love is blind...and It'll take over your mind
2/13/2017....
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. When I was in high school, I really gave my boyfriend a hard time about making sure I had a nice gift. I was very clear..I want flowers, chocolates, a balloon and a stuffed animal. If he failed to deliver at least those items, I went off. He always managed to pull it together, one way or another. I was speaking with someone recently about the intensity of that first love and that first heart break. I have always been a hopeless romantic and assumed that whomever I was with...marriage was our ultimate destination. So with that first love....I loved super hard. I even wrote my name with his last name. At 16/17. I just knew we were destined for the altar. When it didn't last much longer after he graduated, I was devastated. I cried and cried..literally until I could not cry anymore. I took all of his letters and notes and read them over and over trying to figure out what were wrong. I can't tell you how long I stayed upset, but eventually I did manage to pick myself up and move on. I am not looking forward to ushering my little ones,through their first break. but I will do all I can to make their experience as pain free as possible.
2/14/2017 - Mom, I love you!
Do you know that in all my years of living with my parents, I never saw them celebrate Valentine's Day. I never heard them exchange I love yous or kiss in front of us. In fact, my parents didn't say I love you much to me either. However, they showed their love. My father showed his love by being a provider. I never wanted for anything. Food, clothes, shelter and extra stuff...I had it in abundance. My mother showed her love by taking care of us. She cooked, cleaned, washed, and took us from place to place. During my first year in college, I decided that it was time I tell my mom I love her. You see, I had written I love you on cards but we just didn't grow up saying I love you on a regular basis. So this particular Sunday I called my mom and talked about church and everything I could think of at the time. I was literally nervous. As we hung up, I blurted out, "Mom, I love you." There was awkward silence for what felt like an eternity. When she spoke she said, "Ok. Talk to you later.' And hung up. I was not upset in the least bit. From that point on I would tell her I love her. Every now and then, she would say it too. But one thing I can tell you is that my mom loves me...whether she said it one or a thousand times. Her actions showed she loved me! Eternally.
2/15/2017 The Only One
Have you ever walked into a room full of people and realized you were the only one? The only man? Only woman? Only person of your race? I have had the experience of being the only African American in a room full of people. Depending on the circumstances and my maturity level, my responses have varied. Typically I have been initially quiet, giving myself time to survey the room and get my bearings. Other times I have made small talk with the other guests. (TBC)
Have you ever walked into a room full of people and realized you were the only one? The only man? Only woman? Only person of your race? I have had the experience of being the only African American in a room full of people. Depending on the circumstances and my maturity level, my responses have varied. Typically I have been initially quiet, giving myself time to survey the room and get my bearings. Other times I have made small talk with the other guests. (TBC)
When I look Back Over My Life.....I Can Truly Say...
2/18/17
God has ordered my steps.
God has spoken into my spirit as I slept and awaken me with clarity the next day.
God has protected me from people and situations that could have literally killed my spirit, soul and body.
God has loved me through some mess that I chose top step into!!
God has never given up on me, even when I attempted to give up on Him.
God loves me so much that when I am caught up in a situation, He does not wag his finger at me and tell me what a horrible person I am, but cries with me and gently leads me back to His will and purpose for me life.
I am God's child and He has plans for me I can't even comprehend in this moment.
I am thankful!
2/18/17
God has ordered my steps.
God has spoken into my spirit as I slept and awaken me with clarity the next day.
God has protected me from people and situations that could have literally killed my spirit, soul and body.
God has loved me through some mess that I chose top step into!!
God has never given up on me, even when I attempted to give up on Him.
God loves me so much that when I am caught up in a situation, He does not wag his finger at me and tell me what a horrible person I am, but cries with me and gently leads me back to His will and purpose for me life.
I am God's child and He has plans for me I can't even comprehend in this moment.
I am thankful!
2/19/17 SBW
There is a myth of the STRONG BLACK WOMAN who needs nothing and no one to walk by her side on this planet.
Until she and the people around her recognize that she does actually need others to not only survive, but thrive, she won't actually live to her greatest potential.
There is a myth of the STRONG BLACK WOMAN who needs nothing and no one to walk by her side on this planet.
Until she and the people around her recognize that she does actually need others to not only survive, but thrive, she won't actually live to her greatest potential.
2/20/2017
"F$%#You Ni%%er!"
My foot locked as the white man looked into my eyes and yelled at me.
5 minutes prior, I was driving down Telegraph a few blocks from the UC Berkeley campus where I had just started as a freshman. My friend and I were just enjoying the day, having just made a quick food run. As we drove back, a man walked in front of my car, even though I had the green light. My friend reached over and blew the horn. He then yelled the above to me. It was as if I froze in time and felt the weight of my ancestors. A part of me wanted to accelerate but my logical side took over and said if you hit him....you will end up in jail and not graduate from Berkeley. You see, I'd heard the word used in my community of East Oakland, but never from a non black person to a black person. This man said it..with rage and full of hatred, assuming I was not human nor deserving of respect. I personally do not approve of the use of the "N" word unless it is used to demonstrate a historical incident. For me, whenever the word is used I think about all of the blacks who were called that word as they attempted to attend a movie at a local theatre or vote in an election. I think of Ruby Bridges being assaulted with the word as she entered the all white school as she integrated a school in the South. Just as that man called me the N word and I felt the sting...so did my ancestors and I can at least find another word to use.
2/21/2017 - LL..I need Love!
The first concert I ever went to was LL Cool J, the I need love tour. It was held at the Oakland Coliseum. Would you believe that we went to the concert in the church van with the youth group. My dad was the pastor and I had the ability to convince him to do just about anything. He didn't ask many questions when I asked if we could go to a concert with the youth group. I just remember me and the other teens ducking.
2/22/17 - My Peanut
My daughter and I were on our way to the Glamour Women of the Year Awards. A good friend came by to watch the other kids and snapped this picture for me. When I saw this photo, it reminded me of the time I asked my daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.
"I want to be you Mommy."
Whew, The pressure I felt to be better. Do better. Accept better. She had no idea that her simple words took me to another level. Thank you baby girl. My peanut.
This Time Last Year 3/6/17
This time last year I was in a bad way. Emotionally. Professionally. Financially. Etc. It was 15 days before my 45th birthday. My job situation was iffy. I was three months physically removed from a life draining relationship and I was waking up in the middle of the night feeling overwhelmed. While I knew in my heart I made the right decision about moving out, I was not expecting a shake up at work. Both...together...seemed to be too much. I rarely slept during that time.
Yet, as my 45th bday approached I decided to throw myself a PAR-TAY!!!!!! Why not? What better way to see my friends and family under one roof. I needed to be in the presence of those I knew had my best interest at heart and encouraged me by not only their presence and words, but actions. As I began planning the party and inviting friends and family, I began to feel better, in a strange way. Even energized. While I did not fully get pulled out of my funk..I was on my way to seeing more light in my life. So I suggest...if u going through it...throw a party!
This time last year I was in a bad way. Emotionally. Professionally. Financially. Etc. It was 15 days before my 45th birthday. My job situation was iffy. I was three months physically removed from a life draining relationship and I was waking up in the middle of the night feeling overwhelmed. While I knew in my heart I made the right decision about moving out, I was not expecting a shake up at work. Both...together...seemed to be too much. I rarely slept during that time.
Yet, as my 45th bday approached I decided to throw myself a PAR-TAY!!!!!! Why not? What better way to see my friends and family under one roof. I needed to be in the presence of those I knew had my best interest at heart and encouraged me by not only their presence and words, but actions. As I began planning the party and inviting friends and family, I began to feel better, in a strange way. Even energized. While I did not fully get pulled out of my funk..I was on my way to seeing more light in my life. So I suggest...if u going through it...throw a party!
I HATE ALZHEIMERS!
Mom...I will be your alter ego!
The last time I visited my mother she kept her eyes closed the whole time. She has Alzheimer's and is no longer verbal. I am imagining that she keeps her eyes closed because it is hard for her to look at people and not know who they are. I assume that she is torturing herself with the thoughts of not knowing her thoughts and what they mean. Or maybe she is reflecting about the times in her life where she was running through the dirt roads of Arkansas as a young child..wishing she was back there. Is she thinking about the times she fell in and out of love? Perhaps she is remembering the 8 children she birthed and the 50 plus grandchildren she has. Whatever her thoughts may be..as I observe her sitting there, I am reminded to live each day to the fullest. I am reminded to never stay in a situation that brings me more misery than joy..whether it is a relationship, a friendship, or a job situation. I think about all the things my mother said she wanted to do once all of the kids were out of the house. First she was referring to me and my siblings. Then she was talking about the grandchildren she decided to keep once one of my sisters became non functional as a parent. She talked about getting in the car with a friend and "just driving" with no destination in sight..just adventures in new places with new people. She talked about getting a tattoo of a rose on her ankle. She talked about shopping, shopping and shopping! By the time we were all out of the house, she cared for my father who had a stroke. And then..she got sick.
Mom...I will be your alter ego and do all the things on your list. I will take those adventures, get that tattoo and shop, shop. shop! I will also experience the kind of love that makes my heart skip a beat. And enjoy the physical attention that causes my toes to curl on a daily basis. I will live each day to the fullest in dedication to you and all the things you wanted do, but can't at this point in life...because you deserve it and so do I.